Mont Blanc!
In the same swift set of actions, he probably took a shit all over France.
I admit this might be a tad controversial, but I've been on holiday to France every year for about 5 or 6 years. It's even a fairly touristy area of France; a little village just outside of the town of Cognac, where the alcoholic beverage of Cognac is made. And when I say little village, I actually mean a collection of about 3 houses. Which means the nearest bit of life as we know it, is feckin' miles away.
France is apparently the most popular holiday destination on Earth. One question. How? I don't get it. I don't get why more people on Earth would choose to come to this country than anywhere else. Have you ever heard of Las Vegas?!?
It's these next few reasons that leave me in utter disbelief. They're a mixture of my own experiences and sweeping generalisations.
- The whole place looks like the Germans just left. Honestly, every village I've ever been too just looks bombed. Roof tiles are missing, hell, even some of the walls are missing. If it wasn't for the fact I had an iPhone in my pocket at the time, I could have sworn it was 1940 and Krauts were swarming the surrounding fields.
- Everyone looks miserable and depressed. The last time I saw such a set of sombre faces, I was in Gillingham. Everytime we drive through a village of some kind, there is always an old man sitting outside the bakery with a baguette in one hand and the most glum expression on his face. It's almost as though they see the British number plate on the front of our car and think: 'Eeengleesh? Ze last time zey were 'ere, we were et war wiz ze Germanz'. And then of course, with that thought, they get very suspicious. And give you dodgy looks.
- Everywhere shuts at lunchtime. Why? You're a business, you're meant to making money. If my old business teacher saw ol' Pierre and Christine (horribly stereotypical French names, no one in particular) shutting up shop for lunch at midday, he'd have a fit. It's almost like the French want to fail, no other set of people would close for an hour so they can spread Camambert over their perfectly made baguettes. Mind you, these are the same sort of people that would probably go on strike even if they were on the dole.
- Style. I'll admit, I'm not in Paris at the moment. More like 600miles away. But still, the French dress like they're 600 years behind. The kick-ass combo of flip-flops and socks adorns every other French man, and the women look like they've been dropkicked through a charity shop specialising in antique curtains. I'm no Alexander McQueen (well no one is anymore...) but still, I know (roughly) what works and what doesn't. Unfortunately, Pierre and co. are in the 'doesn't' section.
- Where are the kids? In the many times and thousands of miles I've been across Francais, I've only ever seen about 3 schools. That fact seems worrying, but when you can't even see any kids, you wonder how they might fill these 3 schools up. I'm no fan of 'yoofs' hanging around on the streets back in England, but at least that way you know a social demographic below the pension age exists. In France, the only kids you ever see are the ones riding around on dirt bikes or mopeds. But that's it. It's almost like the Child Catcher relocated to France and had a little bit more success than he did in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
So, a few reasons why I dislike France. The holidays are nice, so please don't mistake me for a spoilt child. But sacrebleu is this place miserable. I don't get why anyone would want to voluntarily come here unless you're over 95 and you like your peace and quiet up to the standards of a morgue. Plus I haven't seen a Starbucks outside Paris, a true measure of how little civilisation exists outside of the Champs Elysees. No wonder the Germans were so quick to leave in 1945.
