Not everything has to be 'leopard-print' and we have a cracking sense of humour.
I am of course talking about the Essex Lion, who is now a close third in the list of 'World Famous Lions', behind only Mufasa and The Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz in the rankings.
From the tone that many newsreaders were taking when reporting the story, you'd have thought they were simply not aware a man-eating creature was loose. Many were talking about the story as though a light gust-of-wind was nonchalantly blowing its way around Essex, such were the smiles etched across several news anchor's face.
Or like everyone else bar Essex Police, they knew this was the most preposterous thing to come out of the county since Jodie Marsh's six-pack.
Lions are not particularly common in this part of the world. It is unlikely I'll be stopping the car driving along Southend seafront anytime soon so I can take a picture of a lioness wandering around the arcades. There's probably about four in the whole county and they're all behind a cage or busy napping on a rock in view of many trained animal holders. Therefore I'd like to think someone would know if one of the beasts was missing before a dog-walker or holiday-maker had the misfortune of running into one.
Incase, like half the population of Essex, you were unsure of what a lion looks like, I have provided a handy image.
Yet this weekend, a police operation consisting of 25 police officers and two helicopters, one fitted with thermal cameras began in the hope of hunting down the rogue cat that was spotted by residents from a nearby caravan park.
I couldn't start a police hunt with 25 officers and two helicopters if I hijacked a tank, screamed 'Death to the West' and blew up Basildon.
Yet it turned out half of Essex's police were merely looking for a 'large house cat'. I'll remember that next time I go and put up 'Missing' posters for next door's runaway moggy.
I'm not sure that such a fuss should be made over one man's claims that he saw a lion, especially one from a caravan park. Have you experienced the fumes when visiting the tank containing all of the park's urine and turds? They're so hallucinogenic I'm surprised the man didn't see Jimi Hendrix riding a polar bear made of daffodils while reading 50 Shades of Grey. I would've sent all the police out then.
The next step the authorities should've taken is to phone a nearby zoo (say, Colchester Zoo, which is a few minutes down the road) and request they check all of their lions are accounted for. You don't have to have watched every episode of the Really Wild Show to know that a lion's natural habitat is not Clacton-on-Sea. A simple check of owners of exotic pets in the local area would identify a) if anyone owned a lion and b) if any of them were mental enough to take them out for a walk without a leash. If both of these admittedly quick investigations failed to back up caravan man's claims he had a staring contest with Simba the Apparently Stationary Lion, I would've filed the whole thing in the drawer marked 'Funny Bank Holiday Hoaxes'.
But no. Everyone in a 40 mile radius suddenly feared for their lives, people were told to stay indoors as though the 10 Plagues of Egypt were making an ill-timed comeback and everyone outside Essex sniggered, placing bets on which TOWIE cast member would find themselves mauled by the big cat first.
Of course now, the idea that it was a lion is absolutely ridiculous and the people of Essex appear just that little bit more stupid. Some are even claiming that the sighted creature was named 'Tom', a clear indication how wrong we were to hunt down something that sounds so pathetic.
What can we learn from this highly entertaining episode? Many of us need to learn that lions and domestic house cats are related. It is pointless starting a massive police investigation because someone says Mary-Kate is robbing a jewellery store when it could very easily be Ashley. Even if they produce a grainy photo which instills so much doubt that even Elizabeth could become part of the equation.
(For future reference, this is the last time I'll use the Olsen siblings as an extended metaphor)
I thought over-zealous policing was an American exclusive. While you can imagine the law enforcements of New York hunting down a 'lion' with a SWAT team, helicopter gunships, tanks and a camera crew to put together fly-on-the-wall documentary 'On The Hunt for a Maneater', I thought the British police were a bit more reserved about such things. Apparently not.
Maybe they were all a bit bored after a relatively quiet Olympics. The first sniff of a case where they could save the lives of thousands of innocent Brits obviously triggered the part of the brain where policing suddenly becomes a Hollywood blockbuster. How long will it be before such a saga is translated to screen with poetic license and Jason Statham as the leader of the investigation?
Not long I imagine.
