Come on Pig, didn't the hedgehog teach you ANYTHING?

Let's be honest. Animals and road safety don't really mix. It seems very hypocritical for a hedgehog to tell kids about crossing the road safely when they're often the first piece of roadkill you see on a morning commute. Foxes aren't exactly the cleverest either. Sure they may be a bit shrewd when it comes to looting from the bins, but the bastards can't cross a road without causing at least 3 cars to swerve out of their way just so we don't end up with Basil Brush's cousin flattened on the grass verge.

But now it seems that pigs have ignored the most basic rules of road safety. Well, when I say pigs, I actually only mean one pig. One very troublesome little pig.

Toddlers call her...Peppa Pig.

Yes that's right, that little poorly animated, poorly drawn cartoon pig that appears on Nickelodeon Jr. and Channel Five has been in breach of safety laws. You see, in several scenes of the TV show, Peppa Pig gets into a car and fails to do her seatbelt up. Now, whilst this unbelievably serious crime (which should be punished by death by firing squad) has been enforced for many decades, the producers of this show have....

...I'm not even going to bother with this sarcastic approach anymore. Honestly. The makers of the show are now reanimating previous episodes to show a seatbelt because ONE parent complained when her toddler refused to wear a seatbelt because the TV Pig wouldn't.

ONE.

When are these TV shows/production companies going to grow a backbone and tell these people to be better parents? They're not. Instead they're grovelling to these (well actually "this") parent(s) saying things like 'If we could turn back the clock we would' and 'we were very naive when we started making Peppa'. Ok, so you have to be quite sensitive when making TV shows for toddlers I admit. If Peppa had a gun, fair enough. If Peppa was explaining how she got turned into sausages and bacon, again fair enough there are probably Jewish kids watching. But no, she was sitting in some poorly animated box car thing, and the animators forgot to draw a line across the character to emphasise she was wearing a seatbelt. I've had enough of over-sensitive muppets having OFCOM on speed-dial and ruining television for everyone else. I guarantee the episode where Peppa gets flung through the windscreen after a 20 car pile up will have the highest ratings for the show, ever.

No seriously this has to stop. We're going to end up with emotionless TV pretty soon. And when that happens, these fuckwits will have something to complain about.

A Political Post About Animals.

The African Savannah. A vast stretch of land that is home to some of the world's most beautiful creatures. The image at the beginning of The Lion King whereby the huge orange sun rises over incredibly flat land is an image that's always conjured up in my mind when I think of one of Earth's most beautiful landscapes.

Now think of the creatures that call this land home. Imagine a group of fast moving buffalo and a herd of slow, lumbering elephants migrating to a new watering hole. The buffalo have a clear leader to take them towards their goal, a fresh face in a world usually only reserved for the oldest and experienced. Whilst some of the buffalo's decisions have been called into question recently and he may have struggled to make firm commitments on particular issues, he had the support of the rest of his herd (to an extent on particular issues but nevertheless, his leadership credentials were never threatened), and as a result, the buffalo move on at a quick pace towards the watering hole.

Now the elephants. Their leader, a bumbling old elephant who's every move and decision seem to implode around him, forcing the rest of the elephants to question whether he's the right one to lead them towards the watering hole. When the watering hole is in sight and when it's more important than ever to have unity amongst the herd, senior elephants attempt a sneaky coup in order to unseat the head elephant. Whilst they may claim to have been trying to establish the right leader, it is totally obvious to everyone around they're not happy with being led by this particular elephant. Other senior elephants take their time to commit, but eventually defend their leader as they seem to be catching up to the buffalo, and despite the two scheming elephants admitting their coup has failed, the damage on the elephant herd is far-reaching. Instead of concentrating their efforts on reaching the water hole, they're fussing over a problem that isn't going to change and their internal disagreements look set to plague the herd all the way to the water hole. All it's doing is allowing the buffalos to get a bigger lead.

If by now you're thinking I've gone all Doctor Doolittle and a turned a bit bonkers, that was one big analogy in describing the current 'shituation' the Labour Party is in at the moment. While Cameron stuttered and stumbled through Monday when talking about married couples, instead of seizing the opportunity to fight back, Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt thought they could bring up that now centuries (well it certainly feels like it) old debate as to whether Gordon Brown could actually lead the Labour Party to election victory. Their proposed secret ballot was about to close to stabbing Brown in the back as possible, and their "amateurish" plot failed. Miserably.

Miserably for everyone except the Tories. Their 'uncatchable' lead in the Polls has been eaten away at over the last few weeks, and with Cameron's lack of commitment to tax breaks for married couples, it's not hard to see why. But now Brown's back in the firing line for the wrong reasons and the continued flogging of the dead horse about his leadership credentials looks set to haunt him for the next 5 or 6 months. Nice knowing you Gordon, or should I say, leader of the elephants.

Talking 'Bout My Generation

All you have to do is sit on a bus at 11am on any weekday of your choice. This is the socially acceptable time for the elderly to escape from their houses and venture to the shops in search of a new headscarf or even a few vegetables. Sitting at the back of the bus, you only have to take your headphones out of your ears and listen to what these miscreants are saying about the 'yoof' today. "They're rude", "they don't know anything", "they sit on their computers all day". A chorus of approval will often follow these remarks and the number 7 bus to Southend turns more preachy than Antony Gormley's plinth in London.

So I sit at the back of the bus in disbelief. As a generation, are we really that disrespected? Yes these old folk may have won the war. But give us a totalitarian dictator for our generation and we'll use our strategy skills that we've learned from years on Football Manager to decimate them in minutes.

(attempts to get back on track)

O.K so with this experience fresh at the back of my mind, I did what any teenager does and spent countless and pointless hours on Facebook. To my horror, the wrinklies are right. Our generation is full of total and utter bimbos. I know Facebook Groups are pretty flimsy evidence as to judge the intellect of the 'yoof' today, but I was amazed at a) the naivety of some people and b) how out of touch the 'yoof' is.

For example, a group entitled 'No school days on Friday, need 5 million students to join' had me shaking my head. An American child thought that Facebook was now the place to overthrow Government legislation (I suppose after dethroning dictators like Simon Cowell people thought anything was possible) and was convincing children everywhere to join. Just join the group. Nothing else, click a button and watch the protest get a head of steam. On the 'Info' tab of the group, it states 'Facebook contacted us and stated we really do have a chance'. Oh hallelujah! Now that invaluable political tool Facebook is on board, we really do have a chance of. . . . what total and utter horse shit. I'm sorry I thought we were better than that. I thought with everything a teenager has at their disposal we could make better decisions and be slightly more rational. Not this. Not for one moment can a child seriously think a House of Commons debate will begin with: 'Mr Speaker, I have been scouring Facebook (that might get some MP's in trouble for different reasons) and children want Friday's off school. If we don't act now, they could set up another Facebook group to appeal. It could get out of hand quickly..." Yeah you get the idea, ludicrous (as one of my more mentally challenged Uni friends would say).

I'm sorry this has descended into a rant. I will actually start blogging proper news stuff soon. But while I'm at home with nothing better to do than sit on Facebook all day and watch our generation commit social suicide, I'm going to get angry about it.

Heartshaped Blog

Last few weeks I've been pretty shit. I never realised how therapeutic music could be, and as well as listening to Radiohead to make myself feel even worse (bad choice), I was listening out for any lyrics that related to moi and my shituation (an epic combination of shit and situation, I'll think I'll trademark that thank you very much).

I found this awesome little song by a band called Eagles of Death Metal. No they have absolutely nothing to do with the genre of death metal, in fact the song in question, Wannabe in LA, is a very melodic rock song. The chorus however struck a chord.

I came to LA to be rock and roll

Along the way I had to sell my soul

I made some good friends that made me say

I really wannabe in LA

Now I imagine you're reading that wondering what the HELL is the point of reading on. To me, this is personal, and I don't normally do sentimental and personal posts, but you know, New Year, new ideas.

To me, the lyrics of the chorus represent what has happened to me over the last few weeks. Wanting something so badly ('wannabe in LA') that it changed completely who and what I was ('had to sell my soul'). I did indeed make 'some really good friends', well not really 'make', more like enhance already good friendships. And yet despite everything, I still really 'wannabe in LA'.

There we go, a musically themed blog about nothing really. Just a rambling insight into the mind of Daniel.

Oh and if you're a Nirvana fan, I would at least expect a chuckle from the title of this blog post. It works on so many levels.

2009 in Film

So the final year of the first decade of the new millennium has passed us by, and whilst many industries have been crippled by the economic downturn, the movie industry has been the beacon of light for many people wanting a couple hours of escapism from financial woe. How do you sum up such a varied and wonderful year of cinema? With a cliched and standard chronological report of course...

January bought with it the usual buzz of Award season, as Slumdog Millionaire threw its weight around by cleaning out the Golden Globes. The Dark Knight was re-released in order to stand it in the best stead possible for the upcoming Oscars, not that anyone doubted Heath Ledger's credibility in winning Best Supporting Actor. January also gave us My Bloody Valentine in 3-D and whilst the film itself was just an excuse to throw axes at the audience with very little substance, it did usher in a year where anything and everything was done with little plastic glasses.

The BAFTAs and the Oscars took over February, with Slumdog taking Hollywood by storm. Danny Boyle's heartwarming tale of love and poverty clearly won the hearts of the Academy as it scooped 8 Oscars. 2009 was also the year for Kate Winslet as she finally won her Oscar for The Reader and Wall.E rightfully took the Best Animated Film to take Pixar's Oscar tally to 21.

The first big blockbuster movie of 2009 came in March. The 'unfilmable' Watchmen was released to mixed reviews. The box-office return was fairly low which could have been down to it's bum-numbing running time of nearly 3 hours. For me, it was one of the highlights of the year. Director Zack Snyder gave it the visual panache to go with the excellently crafted characters and along with the Dark Knight, is one the finest comic-book movies to have been released.

April came and went with little fuss. Many of Hollywood's big studios held back their films till May in order to take advantage of the 'summer blockbuster' season. Nevertheless, the reunion of the original Fast & Furious cast didn't harm its box-office figures, with the fourth film in the franchise raking in over $350million worldwide. Indeed its first weekend take was more than that of Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift's entire box-office run.

Things began to get serious in May. Whilst Watchmen was clever, thought provoking and full of great performances, X-Men Origins: Wolverine was a horrible mess. There's only so much your lead actor can do and whilst Hugh Jackman's performance was impressive, the film fell in the same trap as the third X-Men film: it tried to introduce too many characters without telling the audience anything about them. May also saw the return of Star Trek with J.J Abrams injecting a new lease of life into another seemingly dead franchise (Mission Impossible 3 was head and shoulders over MI2). Unfortunately, Ron Howard couldn't rescue Dan Brown's books with Angels and Demons. Whilst it was better than The Da Vinci Code (mind you, so is herpes), the film still changed too many of the better things about the book, and the character of Robert Langdon is still providing problems for the usually consistent Tom Hanks.

The first weekend in June produced one of the surprise hits of the year. The Hangover was well written, consistently funny and served up several excellent performances from its relatively unknown cast. As a result, it went on to make nearly half a billion Dollars worldwide, despite its relatively modest budget. A film that didn't have a modest budget was Transformers Revenge of the Fallen. On all levels it was a rubbish film. Naff plot, naff acting, too long. Yet for some reason, it was the most fun I had at the cinema all year. Despite it's universal slating from critics, Optimus and co. managed to earn $800million, meaning Michael Bay will surely get another chance to blow up the kitchen sink in an inevitable sequel.

The two biggest films of the year, Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs and Harry Potter 6 came out in July and to be honest, they were both hopeless. Don't get me wrong, I love animated films, but Ice Age was pretty flat. The story was nothing special and the voice acting was questionable. However it was a commendable effort when compared to Potter 6. The Half-Blood Prince film tore up one of the best books in the series and doused it with a load of hormones, forgetting entirely that there's a dark wizard out there who wants to kill everyone. Did the film care? No. It wanted you to focus entirely on Ron Weasley and the most annoying female character (Lavender Brown) since Poison Ivy in Batman & Robin. No matter, Bruno provided serious laughs and gross-outs in July. It made Borat look like it was meant for CBeebies.

Fully into the swing of summer, audiences were reunited with Mr. Tarantino in August as Inglorious Basterds turned the WW2 genre on its head. Sublime performances from the entire cast and a script as sharp as the knife used to carve Swastikas on Nazi prisoners in the film resulted in Basterds being one of the standout films of the year. Peter Jackson wove his magic on a relatively unknown film and turned it into an excellent motion picture. District 9's unique spin on the alien genre was a breath of fresh air and earned almost unanimous praise. On the other hand, The Final Destination was an insult to audience's intelligences worldwide. Whilst the first two films were a original and fun slasher films, the latest instalment was a petty excuse to throw severed limbs at the bemused audience (think My Bloody Valentine but worse. My Bloody Easter perhaps).

As summer came and went, so did many of the triple-A titles for 2009. The theatrical trailer for Avatar was released, giving many internet nerds and CGI-nuts a collective hard-on. Megan Fox was having a similar effect in Jennifer's Body, although writer Diablo Cody couldn't turn her brilliantly sharp and pop-culture writing style which worked so beautifully in Juno to this car-crash of a film. The last weekend of September saw the release of Paranormal Activity. Steven Spielberg thought the pilot DVD was haunted, and many Americans had to leave the cinema early because it was so scary. I ruined my trousers when I watched it, but to be fair, it was 1am and I was alone in my room with the lights out. My fault I suppose.

Ricky Gervais' Hollywood luck ran out with The Invention of Lying as the limp-wristed effort from the British funny-man didn't have quite the same effect as Ghost Town did a year earlier. The release of Toy Story 1 and 2 in 3-D only proved how brilliant these films are, putting today's efforts such as Planet 51 to shame. And then Michael Jackson's swan-song This Is It was released at the end of October for '2 weeks only' (as we were warned time and time again). I haven't seen it, but everyone who has says it's amazing. I think they were all brainwashed by the inevitable Jackson-bashing that went on in the film.

November saw Robert Zemeckis try his motion-capture performance technique again with A Christmas Carol. Whilst it was stunning to look at, the film had about as much emotional depth as Paris Hilton. And that's pretty bad when you're making a film which has one of the strongest emotional messages in novels and films alike. The same conclusion could have been made about 2012, although I was never really expecting much depth to come from a Roland Emmerich film. This is the guy who made the President of the U.S.A fly a fighter plane against aliens in Independence Day. And then the entire female population of the world mysteriously all turned single the night before the new Twilight film was released. Honestly, if there was as much female nudity in a film as there was male nudity in New Moon, I'd have to go to a special shop to purchase it. No matter, it got universally panned, but made a killing in the process. Just shows how shallow women really are (I'm expecting a hell of a backlash).

There was only one film worth worrying about in December. 15 years and $300million later, the world finally got to see James Cameron's Avatar. And boy was I not disappointed. Other films which have generated as much hype as this (Cloverfield, Snakes on a Plane) have been some what of a disappointment. However, Avatar was just a total assault on the senses. My eyes were blown clean out of their sockets by the groundbreaking effects. My heartstrings were tugged upon by the (albeit tried and tested) story and I came out of the cinema thinking I had seen a proper movie. And far too often lately have I walked out of a cinema feeling short-changed. Mr Cameron, it's nice to have you back.

So 2010? My picks? Iron Man 2 has to be worth a look. Anything with Robert Downey Jr. at the moment is gold dust. It will be interesting to see how the mad mind of Tim Burton fits with the madder world of Alice in Wonderland; I'm thinking quite well. Now I don't normally get excited by Rom-coms, but the ensemble cast of Valentine's Day (seriously it's one of the best casts I've ever seen, check it out) alone may be worth an admission ticket. But to be honest, if Toy Story 3 is not the best film of 2010 then I'll be either hugely disappointed by it, or astounded at the quality of another film to beat it. Either way, it could be a great year for films.