You Heard It Here First

It's that time of the year again, where miscreants come from all over Britain to stand in front of Simon Cowell and be told 'you're a talentless idiot, but we're going to let you humiliate yourself in the name of ratings and a nice sponsorship deal with Dominoes Pizza.'

Yes Britain's Got Talent is back on the box. Its ITV's way of making people feel just that little bit better about themselves, by throwing goblins and all sorts of other creatures on stage while Ant & Dec prance around backstage like hyperactive children after a bag of Tangfastics. It's such shite telly. It's as predictable and clichéd as a romcom and in the end, no ones a winner, because all their money goes towards Amanda Holden's new nose (I swear she's got so many they must be interchangeable).

But not so fast. And the end of this gloriously shallow and hate-filled tunnel, there is a light at the end. Granted, it's just light coming through some cracks in the ceiling of the tunnel, but it's light nevertheless. I hate the fact the winners of this damn show have been singer, dancer, dance troupe. Piers Morgan constantly witters on about finding 'variety', and yet all the good acts never make it. In the first series, my favourite act was this guy. When he petered out in the semi-finals, I was devastated.

I love how everyone always says 'it's always been my dream to perform at the Royal Variety, since I was a kid...' I don't know about you, but I'd never heard of this magical show till I was about 13. What 6 year old didn't want to be a Power Ranger, and instead, wanted to run around on stage in front of Queen Lizzy? Exactly, no one.

Now I'll be honest, I've hardly watched the damn programme this year. I know shock horror, send me to the gallows. But, I did have a little gander last Saturday, and I'm sorry, but if this act doesn't make it to the final, I'll have lost all faith in humanity.