Bite Me

In my quest for world domination, it is imperative that I am at one with the most popular things in life. Whether it be One Direction-like boots (apologies to those XFactor haters out there); saying the word 'procrastination' or knowing all the words to Mr. Brightside, if I am indeed to lead to human race, I have to be at one with these things. It was these thoughts that not only led me to download the current Twilight films, but also set aside an entire afternoon to watch them. With my vagina nicely placed on my lap, I hit the play button and let the mental torture begin.

Unless you've been living in a cave with Bin Laden n' co., you'll know that the books are about a teenage girl named Bella Swan falling in love with vampire Edward Cullen. From then on, creator Stephenie Meyer managed to stretch this excruciatingly-taxing romance across four books and so far, three films. I've never understood the fascination with these books. If you want teenage love, then there are plenty of other places you can go. If you want vampires battling werewolves, again there are so many better sources to satisfy your animalistic fetish (I'd start with the film 'Underworld'. Vampires against werewolves, but Kate Beckinsale as a vampire with semi-automatic pistols. Makes this Twilight nonsense look like Twishite).

So I sat there, concentrating as hard as possible, determined to know the ins and outs so I could partake in conversations about said topic. I admit, it's not often I find myself in a Team Edward vs. Team Jacob deathmatch, but it's nice to be prepared. Unfortunately, these films are absolutely rife with boredom. Honestly, the last time I sat through something this uneventful was when I watched Manchester City play away from home. The highlight of the first film was a baseball game. A baseball game, set to 'Supermassive Black Hole', which was totally out of place from the rest of the film. For about an hour you're subjected to more frowns than a bombing in Baghdad and music so poignant and gothic you'd be forgiven for locking yourself in a bathroom with a My Chemical Romance CD and a flick-knife. And then all of a sudden, BASEBALL AND HAPPY-GO-LUCKY MUSE SONGS! Talk about a shift in tone. No matter, things are back to bleak within a matter of minutes. Then nothing happens, apart from they burn a bad vampire. Oh the humanity...

I was on the verge of tears when the universally slated New Moon failed to play properly. The sound was up the shit and if I couldn't hear the dialogue then all I was left with was pale people frowning; something I experience every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror. So after hearing that the series continues in the same vein with the second film in the sense that absolutely nothing happens, I skipped onto the third film, Eclipse. According to critics and fans of this extravagant nonsense, this is meant to be the best of the series, so I approached it with an air of optimism, hoping there'd be some serious developments in Bella and Edward's relationship and maybe, just maybe, something worth watching. My optimism was completely shattered within the first few scenes. First of all, a totally random human is attacked by über-baddie Victoria and turned into a vampire. There's no explanation as to why this particular human is chosen, but in a recruitment diversity-policy that would put Abercrombie & Fitch to shame, this human is vaguely good looking, and so, some form of story is moulded around him. Then we see incessant love-birds Bella and Edward rolling around in a field of pretty flowers in what is meant to be the bleakest and most depressing town in America. The first film showcases the effects sunlight has on vampires like Edward. Do these effects appear in the third film? Are you nuts? There's a sickening romance to concentrate on! There's no time for such minor details. Anyway, the entire film is a combination of flashbacks explaining the backstory of this shitstorm of a series (which should have been in the first film to give us a chance to know what the fuck is going on) and 'romantic' scenes between Bells and Ed that are so devoid of any emotion it's like watching two mimes try and get it on.

After building up to an 'incredible' fight scene which is over in around two minutes after a combination of vampire and the biggest fecking dogs I've ever seen rip the living shit out of a rebel clan of vampires, I was beginning to see the pattern of these films. The fact the film ended with Bella and Edward rolling around in another field of pretty flowers just confirmed it. Absolutely nothing happens in these films. There's absolutely zero development in the way of characters and everyone is as lifeless as a vampire, regardless of whether they actually are mini-Draculas or not.

Phwoar Jacob...am I saying that right?

All Jacob does is wonder around with his top of lamenting about how he loves Bella so much. Seriously, you're a werewolf, just go and howl and eat something. I can see how the filmmakers of this series have tried to inject his character with a bit of life and humour, but Taylor Lautner struggles to portray even the most basic of human emotions, and such complicated tasks as smiling are way beyond his acting talents. And when he does smile, his teeth are so white they make Edward's skin look tanned (boom, a seriously in-depth joke right there).

All Bella does is look glumly into the camera, as though the crew behind the camera are holding a cute puppy at gunpoint. It's fortunate that her two love interests are very difficult to kill because her indecision is enough to drive anyone else to the point of putting a wooden stake through their own heart. It's a shame because Kristen Stewart is a genuinely talented actress but the only requirements she has in these films is sulk, sulk, and then sulk some more. Oh and both her Mum and Dad are played by villains from the TV show 24, and as a result, cannot be trusted to raise a child.

During the first film, I found myself shouting at the telly for Bella and Edward to fucking get on with it. It's like putting Romeo & Juliet together then throwing obstacles at their relationship; unless you're completely mentally retarded, you know they're still gonna be together at the end of it. Every scene in Eclipse highlights a different reason why she shouldn't marry Edward, yet still ends up rolling around in the daffodils with the blood-sucking moron come the credits, rendering the entire film a totally pointless exercise. Never have I ever seen such a more loved film that is so terrible. Not only is it bad, it's incredibly frustrating. For a film series that's meant to portray the angst of being different and finding love, it alienates itself from the crowd with it's lack of heart and general lack of anything.

Drunken rant over.