Before I start reeling off my opinions of Transformers: Dark of the Moon, I just need to comment on Rosie Huntington-Whitely. If I don’t express how bad she is in this film at the top then I fear this review will just become one long rant about how this model-come-actress should really go back to doing what she does best, which is keeping her mouth shut and staring bleakly into a photographers lens. Her inclusion in the latest installment of the incredibly popular robot-deathmatch-athon was reportedly at executive producer Steven Spielberg’s request after previous eye candy Megan Fox decided to use her mouth for something other than pouting. But fuck it, Huntington-Whatever’s character (the love interest) could have been more effectively played by Spielberg or even Death himself. You can’t help but put your head in your hands every time she opens her mouth and says something completely stupid. But then from Michael Bay’s introduction to her character (panning the camera up her rather lovely legs) it’s clear we’re not meant to really be listening to anything she says. Where there is Huntington-Whitely, there is woe. And that is the last I shall speak of her.
She's like The Saturdays: great to look at but you'd wish she kept her mouth shut.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon is an amazing spectacle. In the same way that watching a 9 year-old Asian kid play a flawless rendition of Beethoven’s symphony is an amazing spectacle. But other than showing off their technical proficiency, these Eastern musical prodigies are often dead behind the eyes offering very little else. And that is very true in Dark of the Moon, because behind the shiny 3D explosions, there isn’t much else to enjoy.
Obviously for those not expecting anything else but robots beating the chrome off of each other then you will love Dark of the Moon. And if you’re one of these people, then I suggest you stop reading, find the biggest loudest cinema you can and prepare to indulge in a special-effects orgy. Everyone else, read on.
The third Transformers film begins with a historical montage (along with some very dodgy CGI portraying JFK) that details the real reason for the 1969 Moon Landing was in fact to conduct a super-secret search operation on a Cybertronian ship that had crashed onto the moon. We’re reacquainted with Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf, who is still the best human aspect of these films) as he struggles to find a job after graduating from college. After that, the script basically reads “Improvise with action here”.
While the moon aspect is an interesting concept and the more human-focused first act is a nice change from the other films, all is quickly forgotten when the final battle In Chicago gets going. I use ‘final’ in the loosest terms because it feels like it runs for half of the already bum-numbing 155 minute running time. Just when you thought there wasn’t anymore of the Windy City Michael Bay and his army of robots could destroy, there’s another massive explosion and the whole place ends up like several toppled Jenga towers. As a result, the whole film is horribly imbalanced with a constant variation in pace as though Bay has no care in the world for his audience; just a desire to make the film his 7 year-old self dreamed of.
There are some talented actors on screen but all seem to wind up being horrible stereotypes. John Malkovich plays Sam’s new boss but ends up contributing very little in terms of important lines or performance. And the ever reliable Frances McDormand plays this film’s Secretary of Defence, which in the history of the Transformers film series is a poisoned chalice of a role, much like the Defence Against the Dark Arts teaching position at Hogwarts. Then for some reason Ken Jeong turns up (fan-favourite Leslie Chow from The Hangover series) as a character that I’m still unsure of what he actually was. Series veterans Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson are ever-present as your standard two-dimensional army grunts.
If in doubt, send in Optimus Prime and keep the camera rolling.
It’s as though Bay has forgotten where his alien robots end and his human characters begin, because he is clearly having a blast (no pun intended) directing his mechanical stars. There are some lovely sweeping camera shots that glide across the battlefield capturing some seriously impressive action set pieces. The excitement levels peak during a sequence where new Decepticon Shockwave sends his giant mechanical death worm spiraling through a skyscraper where all of the primary characters are conveniently placed. It’s an excellently choreographed scene that showcase all of Bay’s skills in directing lavish and flashy action sequences.
This is the first film in the Transformers series that can be viewed in three dimensions, a decision some feared considering the failure of recent VFX-heavy movies (The Last Airbender, Green Lantern). But fear not, because this is without doubt the best use of 3D technology in a live-action film since Avatar. The action sequences actually benefit for being that bit more immersive, and it doesn’t feel overbearing or nauseating, although I’m not sure the same can be said if you’re sitting in the first three rows.
You can’t help feel disappointed at what is rumoured to be both Bay and LaBeouf’s final Transformers film. The scene was set brilliantly by the first film, we had our action fantasies satisfied by the second film, leaving this third act to wrap up everything nicely. Instead we got more of the same: a bloated action extravanganza with minimal plot, wafer-thin characters and woeful dialogue. After three films of exactly the same thing over and over again, watching robots beating seven shits out of each other doesn’t have the same clout it did in movie one or two.
There’s no doubting Bay’s skills as an action director, but at some point in this series we were going to need something else other than explosions. It’s a film that’s dead behind the eyes, and after three films, you’d have hoped that Bay would have learnt. But he hasn’t. There are no robot balls in this film, but it still ends up being, well, robot balls.
2/5
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