Row Z - A Left-Field Look at Euro 2012

Most of this is just nonsensical guff, but there is some logic in my predictions.

It seems an admission of homosexuality to possess a penis and a grasp of the English language, and yet refuse to put some words to page about this year's European Championships. So to prevent any misconceptions about my sexuality (although sometimes they are fully justified), here is my slightly different take on the summer's premium football tournament.

We find our attention drawn to Poland and Ukraine, something that hasn't happened since 1939, although a better and more friendly outcome is wanted by all. Once again the Germans appear to be the favourites, despite half of the squad coming from Bayern Munich who managed to lose the Bundesliga, the DFB Pokal Cup and the Champions League Final all within the space of 20 minutes. They even got lost on the way to Poland after joining up with the national squad a week later, forcing coach Joachin Löw to concede the Bayern players were having a very 'un-German few days'.

What this completely irreverent blog post is designed to do is predict some things that pundits and bookmakers have overlooked. Nobody took much notice when in 2006 I saw a vision of Zinedine Zidane head butting the Berlin Wall. While he missed the wall by a few miles, he did indeed plant a smacker right  in the chest of Marco Materazzi, although my claims that it is very easy to confuse an oafish Italian centre-half with an oppressive and historically-significant piece of architecture have been shot down.

POTENTIAL WINNERS

Croatia

Euro 2012 looks set to be swashbuckling coach Slaven Bilić's final tournament before he and his four-piece experimental rock band set off on a 30 day tour of Split and Zagreb. It is unlikely therefore that he and his team will be looking to go out with a whimper. It is quite possible if Croatia underachieve the majority of the squad will be used as pyrotechnics for opening night of Bilić's Croatian tour.

They possess a wealth of attacking options including Everton talisman Nikica Jelavić, who's apparent knack of scoring goals despite playing football in Scotland for two years has put defences across Europe on high alert. Croatia also have one of the best midfielders outside of Spain and Germany in Luka Modrić, who's startling resemblance to Master Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has not hindered his ability to link up play from back to front.

Croatia are in the easier side of the draw and can only play Spain (outside of the group) and Germany in the latter stages of the competition. Of course they play Italy and could potentially draw France, but both teams have the capability of imploding in on themselves, a trait that is only seen in the training camps of Italy, France and the labs at CERN.

Bilić's band are said to play the hits of Daphne and Celeste with a thrash metal twist.

They're very good at tournament football and are at decent odds to go all the way. Back them, or Slaven Bilić might bring his travelling band to your front door.

POTENTIAL PLAYER OF THE TOURNAMENT

Tomáš Rosicky

Despite having more accents in his name than the Vietnamese city of Dien Bien Phu (see here for full punctuation), the Czech Republic star has had a startling renaissance in form of late, with some questioning whether Arsène Wenger replaced him with an android version of the Czech playmaker. Many have attributed his resurgence to fellow compatriot Petr Cech's magical healing hat, with the Czechoslovakian press claiming the cap was used to bring Rosicky's beloved cat Rufus back from the underworld. With his newly resurrected cat travelling to games with Rosicky, he has found the form of his Borussia Dortmund days.

In an underwhelming squad and a group so easy that many were surprised to learn that Hackney and East London Girl Guides U14 Team were not included, the little playmaker has a chance to shine.

OR

Aiden McGeady

Seemingly determined to spend his days playing in the world's most sparse footballing wildernesses, the Irish winger has something to prove when Euro 2012 will give him the chance to play in front of more the nine people. Traded from Celtic to Spartak Moscow for 12 tonnes of Chechnyan Rebel corpses, McGeady has hardly lit the world alight, instead leaving that to the Oligarchs on the Caucasus Oil Fields. Yet his talent suggests at some point the boy should come good. With the Irish lining up in the Tony Pulis variation on the 4-4-2 formation, with quick wingers deployed either side of two hatchet men in the middle four, the Irish could indeed provide a few surprises. Here's hoping the man with a name that sounds as if it was made for Scottish commentators provides the biggest one of them all.

This looks more like a candidate photo from the Apprentice

POTENTIAL GOLDEN BOOT WINNER

Aleksandr Kerzhakov

I'm hoping this is the last of the players I have to look up how to spell because this is getting silly now. But many are tipping Russia to do well in the competition, and I'd even go as far to say they're dark horses to win the thing (still unlikely to topple the mighty Croatia mind you). Kerzhakov has scored 23 goals in 32 games for Zenit this year, a ratio that puts makes him one of the most deadly finishers on the continent. Kerzhakov will be the focal point of the Russians attack in Poland (I realised it as soon as I typed it) after fellow countrymen Andrei Arshavin and Roman Pavlyuchenko suffered such alarming dips in form, the medical staff in Russia are asking the directors of sports movie Space Jam how they rediscovered the powers of the basketball stars in the film. Coupled with the fact you could finish top scorer in group A without the owning a pair of legs and I think Mr. Kerzhakov should be well on his way to a boot made of gold.

POTENTIAL DUD OF THE TOURNAMENT

Portugal

While some have a sneaking suspicion that the greasy Iberians might emerge from the Group of Death unscathed, I and my infinite footballing wisdom have other ideas, placing them firmly at the bottom of the group B. Below Denmark. Their focus on the enigmatic Cristiano Ronaldo is no different to the days of Portugal letting Luis Figo turn up for many of the games on his own. Indeed for many international managers, lining up against just Luis Figo was the cause of many tactical headaches, with opposition left backs questioning whether they should press or back off when Figo drifted into the goalkeeper's position.

'Chase me chase me, kiss me kiss me!'

The problem with Portugal is they don't really have a proper striker. Sure Ronaldo finds the net more times than a fish with learning difficulties (different net, same image, LAUGH) but when he's rolling on the floor, screaming at the Portuguese physio team to apply more hair gel, there's no one else who is physically capable of scoring goals. Even the Danes have Nicklas Bendtner, who might be the most deluded man in world football, but he has a face to head the ball and a two feet to kick the ball, thus rendering him a more clinical finisher than the entire Portuguese frontline.

I wouldn't really put any money on these predictions. Although if you look deep down, you might see some logic. Or not.