The Indian Job

This is one of those posts that could go two ways. It could either be insightful and witty coverage of a recent news story that caught my attention. Or (and probably more likely) it could turn out to be a horrendously written piece with strong racial undertones and I could be shot at dawn by Gurkhas (I know they're not Indian but ignore some cultural ignorance and go along with the joke). I think my lawyer should be aware that I'm writing this before I start...

The Italian Job! Everyone's favourite British comedy crime caper set in a time where us plucky Brits felt like we could conquer the world. We'd just destroyed Germany at Wembley with Lieutenant Hurst and Corporal Moore, exported a little band called The Beatles to the world and were just generally awesome at life.

Now, the Indians want to have a crack at remaking this timeless classic in their own unique Bollywood style. Hollywood had a go a couple of years ago, and well sort of bombed it. It wasn't a bad film but to give it the same title as the 1969 masterpiece was slightly ambitious. One it wasn't set in Italy, so it should have just been called 'The Job'. And as its the Americans, they'd never do the job properly, so it should have just been called 'The'. If they'd have kept that name, much better film.

Apparently there's a sequel planned called 'The Brazilian Job'...sometimes I don't even have to try and write this.

Anyway, back to the East. I'm wondering quite how they're going to take something so quintessentially British and go all chicken korma on it. So, I'm going to try and second guess the producers and have come up with 'The Indian Job Required Factors to Make a Timeless Eastern Classic'.

1. Don't use the Minis. Please for the love of God, don't drive three Mini Coopers, new or old around some shitty slum town. It'd be like taking the Union Jack and dragging it through a load of elephant shit. Use something a bit more location friendly. I personally think a few pimped out Tuk-Tuks would be fantastic. Not sure about the luggage space for gold bullion (actually we'll come on to what they're gonna steal in a minute) but the scope for some close quarters driving is immense!

2. Location. Turin is a beautiful city with lots of awesome little features. Ideally, the Bollywood version would have to be set in Delhi. It's half posh (where they'd knick the swag from) and half shite (where they'd lose the insanely over the top Indian cops). Driving on the roofs of the slum parts might be a bit difficult as the roof would probably cave in and you'd end up with some malnourished child with a tuk-tuk on his head. And you'd be unlikely to recreate the scene where the Minis drive across the river. In Delhi you might either a) get stuck in sewage or b) drive into a dead body being sent downstream.

3. India's Culture. The local fixer/contact should definitely be a man who charms snakes. The police should definitely have swords. Somewhere in the climatic chase scene there should definiately be an elephant that gets in the way and sprays water at chasing policemen. There also maybe should be a political subplot about a tyrannical Sultan stealing from clever Indian children. The possibilities are endless.

4. A dance scene. Every Bollywood has to have a casual dance scene slap bang in the middle of the film involving every cast member and every single bloody extra. Hell, even the catering staff know the choreography. Doesn't matter if it's a film about rape or abortions, there's always room for a quick rumba or hand jive to explain the story in a more Indian way. Maybe they could steal...whatever they're going to steal in a dance routine. Would be absolutely fantastic. Throw in a bit of naan bread for a dashing of casual racism and you're onto a winner!

5. Don't steal gold. Stealing gold is not very Bollywood. Besides the tuk-tuks would have about as much chance getting up a set of stairs with a boot full of gold as a starved Indian boy dragging up an oversized bag of Bombay potatoes. If you're gonna make this film Indian style, fill it with jewels, or maybe a rare breed of snakes. Hell, make it super stylistic and have them stealing £4million worth of dreams from a sitar-playing guru. At least it's an original twist.

So there you have it folks. I've just written a very rough screenplay for what can only be described as the only casually racist Bollywood film to be nominated for an Oscar. Indian filmmakers are genuinely remaking The Italian Job, despite me not taking this at all seriously. Directors have claimed it is 'as good as the original'. Well I'm afraid unless they've incorporated all the ideas above, their claims may be a bit farfetched.