Magical things will happen when you hit refresh23:21 AZERBAIJAN WIN. A fairly uninspiring result. They could be brother and sister, they could be lovers, either way, the fact there is a doubt in their relationship means anything they do is slightly weird and creepy.
The trophy resembles a glass dildo. But the man appears to be quite happy to receive some flowers, which suggests this relationship could just be friends.
So Blue will disappear into the mist, Jedward will eventually enslave the world and I'm going to Moldova on holiday. It's been an interesting evening and if you've stuck with it all night then thank you very much for reading. Good night.
23:17 The Moldovans are as bonkers as their act, which means I might have to schedule some kind of holiday there next year.
The amount of casual racism in the front room is growing in proportion to Blue's career is disintegrating.
23:13 You miserable Irish gits. Half of what we gave you. And vote for the Danes why don't you, just because the lead singer stole your acts hair. Can you tell I've turned back into my miserable old self?
And one point from the Israelis. Well I suppose thats what you get for giving them somewhere to live.
23:04 So this is turning into a four horse race. Essentially all the ones I thought that were shit are steaming ahead, what the fuck do I know eh? We're all sitting here discussing reasons why we won't have got points from countries. Either we should have had the Royal Wedding yesterday, or, we should have hijacked the American's plan to assassinate Bin Laden.
The Eastern European's version of Same Difference from XFactor seem to be pulling out a lead. Interesting to see the Eurovision gig roll out to Azerbaijan, might have to build some infrastructure first, or maybe even they might have to build a society? Who knows!
22:57 Starting to get bored of this now. We're just watching androids made by different countries. It's like having C3PO reading out the results. Political voting is predictable. The whole thing reeks of conspiracies inside the Galactic senate in Star Wars.
22:51 I'm loving the German audience in tonight. They're so aware of the politics of the Eurovision voting system they're booing like football hooligans.
22:45 The Polish gave us nothing. Next time the Germans come knocking we're staying at home and you can sort it out yourselves.
22:42 Alex Jones gives Jedward some points. Thats the only thing you Irish are getting from us, if you want a bailout look elsewhere.
We seem to be picking up small amount of points which is not helping. The dream fizzled out like Anthony Costa's solo career.
22:34 Cyprus give their 12 points to Greece. Whatever next? Maybe the Serbians will vote to Russia? Can I put bets on these.
22:30 '*Insert captial city* CALLING'. This is where every phone line in Europe goes down because entire cities are calling Germany.
A twelve points, fucking LOVE BULGARIA.
And a very tidy sum from Italy. Hmmmm, too early to dream?
22:23 We're introduced to the man dealing with the numbers. Basically his computer is receiving every single vote from around Europe and he has to sit there and fill in the voting cards with a tally chart done by hand. Fortunately he's Swiss so he does this on a daily basis.
Meanwhile, Stefan drags around his co-host to the point where he has to pick her up and carry around like a troll carrying a snack he found in a local village. He then picks up his guitar in a desperate attempt to get a recording contract.
And now for the voting.
22:19 Back and refuelled, apparently this song has been going on since the dawn of time. The singer looks like Dappy if he went shopping with Bugsy Mallone. And this whole jazz infusion from tonight is really starting to get on my nerves. Talk about blowing your own trumpet. And I wished he could just sing the odd lyric in English, we have after all given you Jedward.
22:08 Somebody stop these mindless montages! The Frankfurter man informs us there have been 3 billion songs since Eurovision's inception and knowing these crazy montage-loving Germans, we'll have to sit through all of them.
I'm going for a quick break, lemme know if I miss anymore clip catchups.
22:04 Stefan confirms one of the performers will win this contest. It's insight like this that make the Germans simply the greatest race on Earth. Coming up next, a load of terrible jokes, some cringeworthy interviews, and Lee Ryan trying to get all the female singers to go back the UK with him. Oh Lee, you loveable drunk.
21:53 And so we reach the end, with Georgia finishing off with a rousing rock number. Bit disappointed the Vatican City haven't got an entry this year, would have quite liked to have seen the Pope do an acoustic version of 'Hallelujah'. Anyway, the Georgians have opted for a female-based nu-metal track that'll have Lordi fans feeling at home. The lights were a bit much, Düsseldorf's energy bill must be off the chain with that performance.
So that's all the songs. Quite classy for a Eurovision Song Contest, not many songs that I can see becoming cult classics. As they blitz through all the songs, have to say my favourite was Moldova, but I have a sneaky suspicion Jedward might have this. In which case, who wants in on Dublin 2012?
21:49 What the fuck is going on?! I was so transfixed on the sand art I think I might have stepped into a time machine by accident. Cilla Black takes to the stage for Serbia with a song so horrible it makes a mockery of the Sixties. If John Lennon and George Harrison could see this now they'd be turning in their grave.
21:46 Ukraine's entry is so bad they've employed someone to do sand art on the big screen to stop everyone from leaving in disgust. Another woman has killed a bird and turned it into a dress, honestly the RSPB should really take a look at this whole thing. She also takes the award for the longest note held tonight, which has beaten the previous record holder was my housemate who did a particularly long fart. Cracking art, completely forgot that this was a singing contest.
21:41 The Spanish have won far too much recently. The World Cup, European Championships, Wimbledon. No more you greedy paella-eating gits. This whole thing looks like what was happening in the background of the 'Club Tropicana' video by Wham! Or an advert for some fizzy drink. I've been told by my lawyers to avoid mentioning brand names. So 'fizzy drink' it is.
21:38 From a country thats full of volcanos, this Jersey Boy's rip off isn't really setting the world on fire. But in this contest you only have to set Europe on fire, but even then, I don't think people will get this Beatles/Beach Boys knock-off nonsense. The tiny little drum kit is to stop the drummer doing a mad 30 minute solo because he's bored of the fat guy singing about going home. Go home.
21:32 Anyone in knee-high boots gets my attention. The Slovenians field some kind of bratty teenager who looks like she got the gig because her Dad 'knew an important bloke'. The dancing is, half-arsed to say the least. Arlene Phillips would be doing somersaults if someone entered a dancing competition by just moving their wrists as though they were warming up for a particularly nasty wank.
The host informs us you can vote for France. This was one of the conditions otherwise the French were going to go on strike next year.
21:28 Normally Azerbaijan give us something bonkers but this is actually quite inoffensive. The singers start as though they're superglued together and then prance around the stage singing a very nice little ballad. That was a let down, because it was far too good for some backwards nation that was also probably conceived in a mad scientists lab.
21:25 So the Austrians have rocked up with a hybrid of Whitney Huston and Beyonce, conceived in some dodgy lab in Vienna amongst a load of used test tubes. Occasional screaming provides this little hottie with a very solid entry.
21:20 I thought the Romanians would have entered a gypsy. Turns out they've hired a spastic to bash the crap out of the piano. I think Al Capone is going to be asking for his trousers after this performance. And there's a pattern forming here, trumpets. Every fucking country has someone playing a trumpet. Are we missing something here? Is Myles Davis judging or something? A neon-based light show from Tron does nothing to save this from the dungeon of mediocrity.
21:16 When humans eventually have to leave Earth and begin life in space stations, I'm imagining this would be part of the welcome concert. No wonder the Germans won with her last year, she is basically performing a mild striptease without the pole. My ears are complaining, but my eyes are loving life.
21:12 Moldova thank you! This is absolutely fantastic, they've basically put the nose cones from space shuttles and dressed up like garden gnomes and infused jazz and shouty pop-rock. There's a woman riding round on a unicycle with a trumpet. I'm speechless, this is like my favourite song ever. Despite the fact they look like they're in the Ku Klux Klan.
21:07 Oh god help us it's Blue, and it starts with a beat that sounds like the world is about to end, and with Lee Ryan on stage, that might not be as farfetched as it sounds. The song writers have clearly decided that Europe is full of monosyllabic morons and so the chorus just sounds like grunting of first person verbs. Compared to nonsense last year from a Southend resident (not our finest moment I'll add) that was pretty reasonable. But I'm not expecting much, probably a mid table finish. Like Stoke.
21:04 The Swiss have entered with 'In Love for a While', not 'forever' like most pop songs, just 'a while'. Typical Swiss not bloody committing to anything. And either that's a ukelele or they've employed the BFG to play guitar for them. A 'happy little song' says Norton, I'm quite happy just looking at her to be honest.
21:00 The Italians have bought with them a SEE THROUGH PIANO. Well thats me sold, this bloke could stop singing and just take a dump on stage and I'd still be impressed with them. While this is very technically impressive, it's far too classy for Eurovision and there are some really dodgy singing bits. Save it for the back streets of Milan guys.
20:55 Well apparently this French guy is meant to be the favourite, but he just sounds like my Dad attempting to impersonate Paul Potts. His voice is so powerful its making the weather change in the background, or it could just be several days passing by. And judging by the boredom I felt through that, I wouldn't be surprised if I missed a few days watching it.
20:51 The Russians have entered some kind of weird boyband dance troupe. The singer was the bad guy in Grease right? 'Can you feel my heartbeat Europe?!' screams Vladamir whatever-his-name-is, shameless audience interaction like a stand-up comedian. And the light up jackets are cool, right up until they all turn around and spell out LEXA or something stupid. Grow up you Russian muppets.
20:46 Our first grammatically incorrect song rears its head, with 'Watch My Dance'. It also gives us an insight as to why Greece has been protesting for so long; I'd break windows and start fires if I found out a poor man's Vanilla Ice was representing us in Eurovision. The operatic singing was instantly annoying and I wanted to throw myself in the fire that surrounded that stage. Wank, on so many levels.
20:42 There's a serious case of identity theft from the Estonians here. The singer (who looks like she has a mild case of Downs Syndrome) is singing in a very English accent and the Millennium Eye is also perched in the background. This is from the bargain basement of songs, like seriously, seriously bad.
20:39 The Swedes have stolen the set from The Cube and put a ridiculously good looking man in front of it. Jealously means he'll be getting no sympathy if Phillip Schofield interrupts and asks for his stage back. He's singing about being 'popular', something I can't imagine he struggled with at high school. And it's the first song of the night that employs that oh-so clichéd higher octave last chorus, one of many to come tonight me thinks.
20:34 Dressed like they're extras from Blade Runner, this is the most Swedish song since ABBA. Jedward are taking the piss and they're absolutely killing it. This is exactly the sort of thing that wins Eurovision. Don't think they're going to repeat their leg-breaking antics this time round, and even if they did Europe would go absolutely mad for it. Norton retorts 'the pride of Ireland', through gritted teeth after seeing his country savaged.
20:30 I'm Hungary for a bit of nonsensical Eurovision pop, and so far these crazy Magyars are doing well. As well as killing off every epileptic viewer with a mad lights display, they've got me hook line and sinker with a pounding techno beat. Despite being wildly out of tune, best song so far. Next up, Jedward. Hold on to your hair people, this could be interesting.
20:26 This isn't Eurovision, this is bloody West End musical stuff from the Lithuanians! Her hips (excuse the pun) hipnotising. So far she's spoken in every language going, including sign language to boost ratings. Despite her pretty good voice, I'm trying to find the perfect Dorito, but unfortunately I've reached the bottom of the pack so its all crumbs.
20:22 The Danes must've got wind of Jedward being pre-show favourites as the lead singer has turned out in a startlingly similar haircut. Needless to say this 'rock' anthem sounds very much like a Christmas song that was put together in a rush on Christmas Eve. We get a first glimpse of the sperm shaped stage as Jedward from Copenhagen runs down it like a hedgehog on speed. Forgettable stuff, apart from his hair.
20:18 Bosnia & Herzegovina start their song with some suspect Red-Indian based chanting and a bit of dodgy maths. And somebody is hoping to win this contest by playing the triangle, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? This is unbelievable, they've rounded up all the village idiots from the most backward villages and given them a part in the song. An advert for Capitalism my roommate argues.
20:15 Finland do what every teenage boy does to impress a girl on the first date: grab the acoustic guitar and sing a song you 'wrote from the heart'. They've even put out a guy who is essentially Scandinavia's answer to Patrick Kielty who's standing in front of a giant globe. He seems transfixed on the camera, pretty fecking scary if you ask me.
20:10 A quite incredible video showcasing the transformation from football stadium to Eurovision arena, basically showing off German efficiency at it's finest. One can only imagine the British would have tried to put the rigging up at Wembley while the FA Cup final was taking place at the same time.
The hosts inform us of the voting procedure, with a professional jury also contributing to the vote á la Strictly Come Dancing. First up, Finland.
20:04 In a break from tradition, it would appear the Germans have entered the hosts as their entry. The red button is sitting there teasing with me with it's offer to 'Sing Along'. Unfortunately Stefan is flying through this song so fast this contest could be done in the next 6 minutes.
20:00 So we're introduced to our three hosts, as well as Graham Norton. One of them has murdered a peacock and has turned it into a dress. The other looks like she's got parts of the Berlin Wall stuck on her outfit. And there's a man called Stefan, who is about as stereotypically German as a Frankfurter.
19:57 Right now we've got the National Lottery out of the way we can concentrate on more unlikely happenings. With the money from the lottery I'd buy a volcano and slow roast Jedward so they never influence me in a fancy dress idea again. I'm armed with Doritos, dips and beers, although I'm starting to think I should have bought cyanide, a .44 Magnum and a mile of rope.
Bob Dylan once sang 'times are a-changing'. While I'm not expecting anything to the quality of Bob Dylan, I thought I'd embrace live blogging for tonight's Eurovision Song Contest. It'll save me tweeting a billion things plus the noise of me tapping away on the keyboard should keep me sane while halfwits from across Europe do their best to savage their country's reputation. Get involved with comments and things, although I'm not expecting miracles. I'm coming at this from a very xenophobic angle so expect several hours of casual racism. Dan.
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