When Charles Darwin returned from the Galapagos Islands with notes that would shape his theory of evolution, you can imagine he was quite a happy chap. Safe in the knowledge that his place in history was safe all thanks to his ability to put monkey and man in height order (find me a diagram of the theory of evolution where the human being at the end isn't taller than the monkey at the beginning and then I'll give Darwin the credit he deserves).
He also must have been fairly confident that good-for-nothing lay-abouts like myself would have neither the knowledge nor the sheer audacity to challenge his theory. Unless of course you are a God-fearing nut-job with Bibles for breasts, Darwin's theory of evolution is a fairly concrete segment if the history of humans.
But hold the phone dear Charles, because I believe there may be a flaw in his Darwinship's masterplan.
Because you see, before the monkeys there are little sea creatures. And before the little sea creatures, you have the droppings of the little sea creatures. And before the little sea creatures' droppings you have the amoebas.
And before the amoebas you have the candidates from The Apprentice.
The Three Muskateers movie reboot had suffered some casting issues.
Every year, the BBC treats us to exercises in 'how not to be a human being' in the form of 'business tasks'. The whole thing is run by Sir Alan 'Bloody' Sugar, who never seems to appear on his own without the aid of his two henchmen Nick Hewer and Karren Brady by his side, almost as though they are stopping the East End Slumdog Millionaire from falling over.
The show began it's seventh series this week, and so far its business as usual. A crackpot team of possibly the most stupid business people to walk the Earth competing this time to be Sugar's business partner. One can only imagine how long previous winner Lee McQueen could have annoyed Lord Sugar with his infamous pterodactyl impression for.
Out of the candidates this year there have already been a few establishing themselves as memorable characters. Fortunately, two of the more boring blokes have already been given the dreaded finger from Sugar, meaning we can concentrate on the rest of this special needs class.
Firstly there's perhaps my favourite Apprentice candidate ever in the guise of inventor Tom Pellereau who looks like Michael Sheen if he were playing the part of a mad scientist in a film about the world imploding on itself.
Then there's the swashbuckling Vincent Disneur, whose surname just sounds like the noise you make when you're sick. His look hasn't been seen since the days of King Louis XIII and his claims of 'being able to charm the ladies' was fully justified in episode one when he was able to flog some naff orange juice to a room of sex-deprived office women.
As for the girls, the disturbingly cold Edna Agbarha is one of the more sinister Apprentice candidates to grace the screen. It's like if you were to take all of her bones out of her body and lay them out on the floor, they'd move about until they spelt the word: 'EVIL'. She's the character in the horror film who's so awful you're convinced they're the bad guy until they wind up with an axe in their face. Let's hope Edna snuffs it fairly soon before I start having nightmares.
And finally there's Susan Ma (what the fuck is up with the surnames this year?) She is basically Wai Lin from Tomorrow Never Dies. Small, pathetic looking, but probably has enough kicks in her arsenal to make you think twice about putting her in a corner. Unless of course you're Edna, but she's so evil she wouldn't bat an eyelid about putting Stalin, Jafar and Darth Vader on the naughty step at the same time.
After seven series is the show getting tired? The answer in my opinion is no. The Apprentice is following the path set by Top Gear. Whereas it was once a TV safe haven for the car-loving man (myself included), over several years it became an all-encompassing entertainment show with cars featured in the show, but not to the point where the wife would leave the lounge to do the washing up because she 'didn't understand all this carburetter nonsense'.
And while The Apprentice was never as focused on business in the early days as Top Gear was on cars, there's no doubt it has become an entertainment show above and beyond it's business foundations. You forget there is a business element to it at all. You forget that Lord Sugar speaks about being the best despite being responsible for a home computer that was about as competent as the contestants on his show. Yet here he is, galavanting around London in his Rolls Royce, sitting in his fancy office setting tasks like he's the ringleader in an urban version of Fort Boyard.
To conclude I'd like to go back to my Darwin analogy if you will. You see, humans have always taken great pleasure in parading the very worst examples of the species. In the days of the Roman empire, thousands would flock to the Colosseum to witness great brutes hacking limbs off each other in order to gain freedom. In Medieval times, we'd have jesters to entertain us, playing the Lute and singing god-awful folk songs about men who caught rabbits. And today's generation has been held hostage by the oafs on Big Brother, who have somehow managed a) to live longer than 14 years old and b) forge viable careers for themselves. It seems the further we evolve as a species, the more morons we want in public view so as to point and laugh at.
And thank the Lord for The Apprentice, because I do point, and I sure as hell do laugh.
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