Bass Theory

Times were much simpler back then.

In my alternative view of reality, I'd like to think that Thomas Edison came about the idea of a lightbulb with a lightbulb appearing above his head, like every other cartoon epiphany ever conceived.

In a similarly whimsical revalation, I too have come up with my own earth-shattering thesis by simply looking upwards towards the top of my head.

Or more specifically, what lay on top of my head.

I've had my Beats by Dre Studio headphones for nearly a year and they are by far the coolest piece of audio equipment I've ever owned, surpassing my previous favourite item which was a small plastic harmonica I got in a Happy Meal many years ago.

The Beats by Dre headphone range have done for 'cans' what the iPod did for portable music. There's the recognisable branding with the giant 'b' emblazoned on the side of the oversized drivers; the red wire that has to be a hint to Apple's own coloured wiring; and the extensive range of colours that echo the San Francisco technology giant's decoration of the first generation iPod Mini. The success of these headphones is represented in smartphone manufacturer HTC's decision to pay $500m to buy the Beats by Dre brand, and HMV's recent shift in their business model away from CDs to 'music technology' (i.e. every pair of headphones under the bloody sun).

Enough of a business lesson, lets get back to the story.

The Beats headphones have named this way because they smash your ear drums in with stupid amounts of bass at every opportunity. Whilst listening to Ed Sheeran's album '+' (which tops the Laziest Album Title of the Milennium league table by a mile), it was clear the headphones were becoming restless at the lack of ear-thumping bass being channelled along the bright red cord (yes I am aware I gave my headphones the characteristics of a family pet). So as the first note of 'Small Bump' began playing the headphones burst into life. As soon as that one thump kicked in, a relaxing acoustic album suddenly had the sound properties of Will.i.am's farts. It's just the nature of the Bea(s)ts.

Scrolling through my music library it occurred to me that in the time period I'd owned these nuclear warheadphones, my music had become, dare I say it, a little more black.

There are R&B and hip-hop artisits on there like Kanye, Jay-Z, Tinie Tempah (I know I'm not gonna be heading up DefJam Records anytime soon but for me this a dramatic departure). Dupstep and electronic/dance artists like Example, Skrillex, DJ Fresh and Afrojack. The sort of stuff that the Daniel of a few years ago who when asked to describe music would have probably just said 'BIG FUCKING GUITARS' and would denounce these new artists as 'shit'.

And that's when the lightbulb appeared.

As the one hit wonders Puretone once proclaimed, I'm totally addicted to bass.

Wahowahhho.

You only have to look at the current charts to see virtually every other song has got some kind of sledgehammer-like thump. And the rise of cartoony and over-the-top headphones only seems to vindicate the idea that we as a generation are bass addicts.

Are we really so easy that providing something goes thump thump thump to the point where the contents of our skull dribble out of our earlobes like diarrhea, we don't really care what else is on a track? I've already admitted that I can be suckered into a song with bass over something that hasn't, but has it really become a nationwide epidemic?

It used to be an exclusive domain for the Burberry-wearing neanderthal or the 'homies' who pretended that Dagenham was the Bronx. Now every Dick Tom and Calvin is under the spell of low frequencies. What is it about bass that makes it so addictive? It used to be because it was bloody annoying, but with the advancements in headphone tech you can no longer anger everyone on the 355 service to Brixton with your 'massiv choons'.

Is it that weird sensation of feeling like you're being beat up by sound? After a couple of songs at full volume with my headphones, it does feel like I've done a couple of rounds with Mike Tyson. Brain scrambled, ears ringing, the urge to dunk my head in a bucket of ice. It's easy listening to this type of music.

In 10 years time when technological advancments in bass production have become so great that we've started earthquakes with a couple of plays of Rihanna's latest album, leaving our biggest cities in a crumbled ruin, we'll all look back at this post knowing it could've changed the world. This is my Edison moment, and if you've already seen something on the internet along these lines, then keep it to yourself so I can fully bask in my self-imposed glory.