21:57 And so that's it for tonight's X Factor, and indeed for this live blog. Thank you for those that have stuck through it, I hope it's been a worthwile side dish to your evening's entertainment. It has bled me dry of similies and analogies so I'm going to refuel with a sandwich and some more manly television. Ciao!21:54 The country's population of dogs winces as Little Mix and Tulisa celebrate getting through. Everyone else just sits there wondering if the sound on their telly has broken.
A clip show reveals that Amelia spent most of the time with her mouth wide open. Like a basking shark. With a pink wig. Interesting.
In tomorrow's final final it'll be a straight fight between Little Mix and Marcus. And when I say straight, I don't actually mean it. A poor choice of words on my part.
21:48 Marcus was pretty bloody awful tonight. His singing was as good Sander Westerveld's goalkeeping. Wouldn't be too surprised if he went out even though he is the so-called favourite. Short back and sides my good man?
21:39 Dermot revealing that the lines are frozen. I know it's cold outside but surely BT could install freeze-tolerant phone lines? Poor joke I know, but I'm pining for some negativity. I'm British, I can't function in an all-happy environment.
Michael Bublé is someone who looks like he was made for Christmas. He's like those seasonal shops that pop up around the middle of October selling wrapping paper for 13p a roll and other random shit you feel you need to buy just because it's the holiday season. Totally irrelavent for the rest of the year, just like our festive-only performer.
21:35 Reflecting on Leona Lewis' persecution of an artist she shouldn't be going anywhere near, I'm wondering what other strange covers we'll see tonight. Marcus covering Rammstein? Amelia Lily performing a Bach classic? Little Mix doing a medley of the hits of The Wombles? Anything is possible when Simon Cowell is in the mood to crush the entire music industry with his giant face.
21:28 When Leona won, and then Leon won the year after, I was hoping for a contestant called Leo to storm it.
I heard this earlier. For those of you who don't know, this is a cover of Johnny Cash's cover of Nine Inch Nails' song called 'Hurt'. Which is all about a cocaine addiction. You know, family-fun entertainment.
And just to clarify, it's absolutely fucking horrendous. The people who put together the song clearly have disregarded what made the song so powerful in the first place. Which is subtelty. Not a big sodding drum kit and a huge vocal. I hope they're giving Trent Reznor a skip full of cash.
21:20 Struggling to work out who is the mentor and who is the contestant as Amelia makes Rowland look like a poor man's Beyonce. Oh wait...
Rowland also showcasing her apparently under-reported case of Tourettes, whereby she keeps shouting 'come on' at random intervals. I'd love to know how that started. No, no I don't.
I think we're all forgetting here that Kelly on week one, effectively said: 'The act I'm ditching first is Amelia'.
And nice to see the Essex contribution to the show: downing a cocktail because of peer pressure. Well done Olly, let's keep that reputation nice and high.
21:18 Apparently Real Madrid have taken 22 seconds to go a goal ahead against Barcelona. Why oh why am I not watching that?
21:10 Tulisa proving that she's wasted by being the cream part of the Oreo-band that is N-Dubz. I'm not ashamed to say I'm bloody loving every part of this performance, especially Tulisa's legs which have been criminally hidden behind that desk for far too long.
Dermot addresses Tulisa as T, suggesting that not only can he not open a show, but he's also unable to talk 'street'.
Olly and Caroline have found some interesting guests tonight, these two nutjobs being the highlight. The Mayor proclaiming that was their best song choice. Yes, because he looks so down with Jay-Z's back catalogue. And a woman who looks like she's been fed on a diet of baked beans for her entire life showcases her Little Mix tattoo. With their history of name changes, I'd have thought twice about doing that.
21:03 Quite clear this bit of the show has been sponsered by Kleenex, and not because teenage boys might be watching Little Mix alone in their room. Barlow and Marcus' duet sounds like it came from a particularly poignant scene in a Toy Story film. And how is this bit getting judged? I can just imagine Tulisa running around Wembley Arena proclaiming that she alone was 'sick blud'.
Barlow's biggest compliment to Marcus is that he listens. One, for a singing contest surely that's the opposite of what you wanted to be complimented for. And two, he's basically praising the fact he was born with ears. Well done Marcus, your fully formed anatomy will get you that record contract your features so deserve.
20:59 I'm still a bit lost for words after the world's first boyband science experiment unfolded in front of my eyes. Dermot informs us that after this commercial break the judges will sing with their acts. I assume the production team were confident that Louis Walsh wasn't getting an act through to the final, although I would've quite liked to have seen Walsh vs. Johnny Robinson emulating Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman singing 'Something Stupid'.
20:51 So after the first round of performances, I think Amelia Lily was top, Little Mix second and Marcus third. Marcus proving after all, that he is just a hairdresser and turning Wembley Arena into Heathrow Airport is unlikely to help your performance.
Jobless Lowlife Scum and One Dickerection (yes they both have been trademarked by yours truly) take to the stage to perform one of the more unoriginal duets. Singing each other's biggest hit and then mashing the two together as though it's some weird animal hybrid. JLS and One Direction now resembling a centaur.
20:46 I can't believe it's taken her this long to do Aguilera. She has the same voice box as her, just bloody sing an Aguilera song! It's like if I was blessed with the vocals of John Lennon, I wouldn't sod about trying to sing Cee-Lo Green, I'd stick to my strengths and knock out a few Beatles classics.
Kelly looking as though she's trying to imagine Amelia with darker skin, bigger teeth, a terrible fashion sense and a surname that consists solely of the letter 'B'.
20:42 Right, if I had come out in the press and said I was bullied at school, the one place I would not go back to is school. But not Amelia, with her rejuvinated blonde locks she's back there quicker than I can say 'non uniform day'.
This film has highlighted something quite interesting. Is it weird for a young girl to shout 'I love you' at a girl not many years older than them? Either Middlesborough is full of case studies or we have a entire generation of lesbians.
20:37 Going slightly off topic, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo looks amazing. Will be in the cinema for that one.
20:31 Little Mix start off their performance with a weird chant, hoping to indoctriante as many innocent minds as possible into their strange cult where everything is an R&B/pop mashup. Housemate points out this is reminiscent of The Simpson's episode where Bart, Millhouse, Ralph and Nelson form the boyband 'Party Posse' which is actually a front to sign up people for the Navy. I'm inclined to agree.
Louis seems unable to provide a critical response without some kind of anecdote, like your average old person who is a few years away from sitting in an old persons home being fed liquified Werther's Originals through a drip. The air of positivity from the judges tonight is unnerving; it's more terrifying than walking through Madam Tussauds in the dark, which I can only imagine is shit-your-pants scary.
20:27 Tulisa still hasn't grasped the name change, insisitng on calling them 'Leetle Moofins' in a very odd Northern accent at every opportunity. I like Little Mix. It's like the UK's version of the UN. If Kofi Annan and Ban-Ki Moon dressed in hip hop clothing and routinely covered Katy Perry.
Little Mix's first UK tour see's them stop off at Romford. Good luck getting back on the tour bus, it'll have no bloody wheels left.
Seriously, these 'short' films are in need of some serious editing.
20:21 Marcus' performance resembles Come Fly With Me meets Dale Winton's In It to Win It. The vocals are, as many people from Essex would put it, 'all over the bloody shop'. No doubt Barlow will run around Wembley Arena in attempt to drum up support.
As per usual, the judging panel are totally blind to the lack of vocal talent, instead their cream filled head's are just fixed on the giant aeroplane. Tulisa is convinced that is a giant metal bird and Kelly is too busy making up a new catchphrase.
20:16 'The last boy, Marcus Collins!' Something very wrong with that sentence. I can't believe that his old school, which I assume is located in Merseyside is still standing. Surely it's been burnt down by freckly ginger thugs who have tattoos of Steven Gerrard on their face.
The X Factor has got a lot more middle class since I last tuned in. Gary Barlow sitting in a front room drinking tea and talking to old people, what is this? Modern day Downton Abbey?
Quite frankly, this 'short' film is rivalling LoTR: Return of the King for running time. Hurry the fuck up.
20:10 I get the idea of Little Mix singing 'today this could be, the Greatest Day of our lives.' But for Amelia and Marcus to sing it just makes them sound like paranoid schizophrenics. I'd like to think Marus' alternative personality was a deeply homophobic roofer who listened to thrash metal and drew portraits of old churches. No? Just me then.
This ad break has given me inspiration to who I want to vote for. The owl in the Yeo Valley advert. A truly inspiring performance. What's it's number?!
20:07 The finalists take to the stage, being lowered down in a lift that could've easily come from a megalomaniac villain's secret lair for lowering enemies into a shark tank.
Have to say, fairly sure Marcus will triumph, with Little Mix in second and Amelia Lily in third. This has all been typed through gritted teeth, I'd much rather see Marcus lowered into a shark tank.
20:02 These Dermot O'Leary desctions are getting out of hand. Normally he just used to show up, pronounce the contestant's names right and go home. Now he has to have an entrance that reminds me of Kurt Angle's entrances at Wrestlemania.
O'Leary then informs us that the alumni of X Factor will be performing as 'special guests'. More and more does this show remind me of one of those invite-only clubs for the socially unstable.
And just incase we didn't know, Louis Walsh uses the final to put to bed the debate about his sexuality with a full velvet suit.
19:58 So prior to the X Factor final we were all treated to an hour with Justin Bieber. I must be an anomaly amongst the human race, because I can bare him. Although he did sing 'Santa Claus is coming to twon' with such conviction that it sounded like he might believe his own words.
Here we go! Cue black and white styling, claims of a new generation despite Barlow and Rowland being so far past it they're still trying to sell cassette tapes and general over exaggeration that would look out of place in a Michael Bay film.
With the vaguely successful live blog of this year's Eurovision song contest, it's time to turn our attention to another singing contest with questionable acts and tactical voting. Yes despite the lack of Simon Cowell and obvious talent, I like every other year, have sat through 21 episodes of absorbing television and find myself here, on a Saturday evening, in front of the telly. So, instead of me sending through a barrage of tweets and alienating half of my followers, I thought I'd repeat the what I did for the Eurovision song contest. So, sit back, grab a drink and a brick to throw at the telly and hit refresh to ensure you have the most fun watching the X Factor!
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