This is what happens when Americans get hold of something beloved and oh so quintessentially British. The Thunderbirds of the 1960's are without doubt one of the finest TV series the British have put their minds to. 50 minutes of disaster filled TV with puppets whose hands would magically transform into fully fleshed mitts able to operate all kinds of futuristic leavers. The audaciousness of the plots and settings were every little boys dream. Who didn't want to turn themeself into a wooden puppet, just so they could shoot Thunderbird 1 around the globe at 15,000mph? Ok, so im getting a bit nostalgic. But, when presented with such filth, you can't help but wonder what might have been.
So basically, Alan Tracey is at high school and is nodding off (much like the reviewer). Then out of nowhere, Lady Penelope comes flying out the sky in her Ford Rolls Royce (?) and whisks him off to Tracey Island. There, Alan learns of an evil plot by Ben Kingsley and his sidekicks that are so stereotypical it's like they're deliberately mocking themeselves. This evil plan consists of robbing the Bank of England of all its money and then hoping to escape somewhere using the Thunderbird's vehicles as cover. It eventually winds up................yeah you get it. Typical American shit. The Americans steal our basic concept, give it a big smothering of nothing, and then steal OUR money. It enrages you further when Bill Paxton is running operations at Tracey HQ. I mean, the guy couldnt even capture the Enigma code book in U-571 without dying. I mean, its not like the Americans had anything to do with capturing that book is it....?
Back to the film. So we have an 'impressive' debut performance from Brady Corbet, who is probably about as wooden as the puppet he replaces. Every scene he has a silly gurning expression (think Jar Jar Binks) on his face which means you can't take him seriously, even when he's trying to deliver serious lines and the tried-and-tested morals of 'be yourself'.Sophia Myles does try her hardest to resurrect this car crash of a motion picture. I'm not at all being biased because she's British, it's just she's the only one who looks comfortable in-character as the fabulous Lady P. There's an air of old-fashioned British charm about her, like the puppets themselves. Speaking of car-crashes, Ford has a substantial say in this film, with literally every frame having the Ford logo dotted around everywhere your eyes can see. With the in-film news being sponsored by Ford, a Ford FAB 1 and various other Ford logo's in virtually every close-up, I was surprised to see someone other than Ford CEO's directing this picture.
I'm also surprised this has been named Thunderbirds because there are so many things wrong with it, they might as well have called it 'Stingray'. Firstly, Alan Tracey pilots Thunderbird 3, not 4 like at the end of the film. Then there's the age of the characters, with Alan, TinTin and that Ferret kid being teenagers whereas they should be fully fledged adults (and Ferret shouldn't even exist). Finally they break the key Thunderbirds rule in this film which is never get filmed by news crews etc. In the film, Jeff Tracey simply ravishes in the limelight whereas the real Jeff Tracey should be at home coordinating all of International Rescues relations. In other words, you begin to wonder if any of the people making the film actually knew what Thunderbirds was (that includes the evil dictators from Ford)So this film is a complete disaster. And for people who knew and loved the original TV series, watching this film is like having your heart ripped out then thrown about like an American football. It's like one of those horrible Saturday morning kids shows set in an American high school. Shallow, not funny, alienating adults and generally feeling like a complete waste of time. Of course the adolescent American audience which this film is OBVIOUSLY aimed at will love, considering their only past experience of a Thunderbird is what their grandparents used to drive. Even that's a goddamn Ford......
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